This is what I know. You have to pick a moment when you decide to fight it. It won’t go away. Whatever it is that you are fighting with, you have to decide that it has been with you long enough. You have to choose that you are worth the fight, worth the struggle, that you are more than what has happened to you. Recognize that you are one last fight away from the win. It won’t lift immediately, but you can decide who you will be in the midst of it. I know it is so much easier to cower. I know it is easy to curl into the dark familiarity. I know it’s like a habit. Sometimes you will cower.That’s okay. Everyone needs sometime with out the boxing gloves on.
But the not-cowering. The fighting. The glorious, strengthening and bloody fight. It will suck. You will be so tired. You will think your legs are going to fall off and that your lungs will burst from your chest from pure exhaustion. You’ll be sure that any minute you will get forever lost in a world of not measuring up to other people’s expectations. You’ll be sure that you are going to die from it all. Listen to me. You won’t. Fight to see the sunlight. Even the presence of a shadow is progress. It means there is light shining somewhere nearby. Please don’t give up. Your life and your battle matter. Stay. Throw the last punch. You’re so damn close.
Sometimes that voice inside, the one that says you are going to be okay…sometimes that voice will go away.That’s scary as hell because you forget even if just for a moment, why you want to win. When you feel lost listen for the voices of the people who surround you. Picture the faces of those who need you to win. Think of what they see in you that you can’t yet see in yourself.
A friend who cares enough to sit with you so your tired mind can finally sleep. And when you wake up and that friend is still there having believed in you the whole time, add their face to the list of those who you fight for. A friend who sits in his own hospital bed in the dead of night and explains to you how the painful parts can be the perfect catalyst to make the chords of your life resolve. A friend who sits with you while she is fighting her own fight and tells you how you are both going to make it through and be kick ass on the other side. You talk about being warriors together, about forming an army of protection against all that tries to destroy us from the inside out. Let your friends in. They are beautiful beings who can reach into your mess and say “Hi. I see you. You aren’t lost. And I know that you feel like a mess but you aren’t broken because I can see all of you. You are whole.”
Picture yourself victorious. Imagine that, you warrior. Picture yourself hugging those who love you. Picture telling them that you have won. Can you imagine that?
So let yourself cry. The tears need to come; they are words you cannot say. Embrace them. But when the time comes to pick yourself back up, decide that life is done kicking the shit out of you, get mad and fight back. Repeat after me: “I. Can. Do. This.”
I would love to talk to you. If you don’t know me personally, ali@aliwarrenHope.com is the way to fix that.
If you hear anything I ever say, hear this:
You are worth winning this fight.